NEW LAW, NEW RULE

E veryone knows how much it sucks to go to work hung over. Bosses should be aware of this condition and compensate their employees. I propose a law that says all employers are required to pay salary and a half to all employees who come to work hung over.
And if that's not reasonable, we can make a law that says all employers are allowed to drink on the job. That way we'll get wasted at work and have evenings to sober up and get a good night sleep so we can happily get to work bright and early and start drinking again.

It's sort of like university, but university is only fun in theory. It's basically Party Institution. For people like me who don't know much about partying. I know a lot, but not as much as university would teach me. I have learned the phrase - "Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker." That's a pretty common rule.

Actually it's a bullshit rule. That rule may be practical in some fantasy utopian world full of social to moderate alcoholic poets. But my life isn't that happy-go-lucky fucking perfect. I need more spelled-out, defined drinking rules. Something like - "Liquor before beer before wine before Down country homemade liquor before peach Schnapps before Mikes Hard Lemonade before sparkling wine before different beer before a different flavored Smirnoff Ice before that creepy guy in my bed, I hope I didn't get AIDs from that manwhore." Or some shit like that probably rhymes better. I don't know because school confused me with nonsense easy-access formulas about life.

Here's an example of when I should be paid hung overtime - right now. Last night when I set my alarm, I set the alarm and left the dial on "Alarm Set." So then I slept until 3:00 in the afternoon. And when I finally woke up, I realized my mistake. Because for the past 8 hours, every time I woke up and looked at the time, it would say zero-o-clock and I would fall back asleep because instead of the real time, I was looking at a fat guy’s ass. However the law should only take affect when I decide to quit being a professional student and get a real job.

His name was Ron something. Last week I met him at a "singles thingy - party." Which was a joke. Everyone was sitting around like a normal party. I asked the dumb hostess why there wasn't any music. She said, "It's a dance party, not a music party. LOL" And she actually said the letters L-O-L." And I was so angry and humiliated that I went to Delux’s French Fries. Where I got fish fingers.

At Delux I had a lot of time to think. Who would have thought fish and fried potatoes would get along so well? We merely dump it a vat of grease and voila in less than 3 minutes dinner is served. Then together, they are amazing. I wonder if that works for other stuff. Like would it taste good to mold cabbage and then put it on burnt Oreos? Maybe. Or what about relationships. I can't seem to get along with guys. What if I churned myself for eight hours until I curdled, then would I hit it off with guys who have been burned severely in grease fires? Someone find answers to this stuff.

So Ron and I hooked up. Big deal. I took off his pants off. There was two more underneath. I was like, "Why the hell do you have three pants on? Denim, long johns, leotards looking thing?" He said in a tactically failed semi masculine voice, "I'm walking home tonight and it's in case a girls try to rape me." Totally serious. Like some girl is going to grab a guy in an alley, tear off one pants only to find another and be like, "What? Are you kidding me?" Then tear off the second to find a third. "Jesus fuck. This is a god damn rapist's nightmare. What the hell am I doing here? I give up. This is like the Never-ending Story but with Rape instead of Story." And then she'll leave him alone.

No. That's not how it works. Fending off a rapist is easy. I know all the tricks. Here's what you do. If you're about to be raped by some girl, (which would be some guys wet dream) just say, "This morning I did a deep system-wide enema with shampoo in my peehole." Every girl knows how it feels to get soap or shampoo you know where. It feels like you're being injected with acid then stung by jelly fish with tasers tied to their teeth. It's like an apocalypse is occurring to a microcosm inside your vagina. Like the big bang theory is being proven on a singularity inside of you. So that should get them off you. But if you really wanna be safe, actually shove shampoo inside your pee-hole. The rapist will give it one shot, zap, her pubic hair stands up like a blowfish stuck on the end of a helium tank. Game over

As a matter of fact, ladies you can buy specially made stuff that's designed for this purpose. It's called Drilldo. It comes with an easy-insert twist off dildo top. For and information, just ask me. I also do custom installations. I should stop talking about rape because it isn't very PC. Talking about rape isn't PC... It’s S-Mac. Haha.

I can't wait for the apocalypse. I'm going to be totally honest. I am deeply, truly obsessed with the apocalypse. In all its forms and splendor. It is a magnificently beautiful concept and I love it. I just want a college that lets me major in the apocalypse. I'd definitely go. The only reason they don't is because someone will blow up the world in order to not have to pay off their student loans because all the loan papers would be burned. But that has another purpose too. After the apocalypse, all the surviving men will be burned severely and I'll curdle myself and scrog my way into next millennium. Hrm. If only I commanded tectonic plates with my fingertips. hahaha