IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS

Who are we? Why are we here? Funny how just because we're capable of asking the question, we assume there's an answer. We are a self aware chemical reaction. We replicate, therefore we are. We have been growing unstopped to date, thanks to the diversity we've enjoyed. This is despite irregular culling of entire species - bombardment from space by the irregular comets and asteroids that frequent our solar system. In fact, life at our level may never have happened but for this culling... But I digress.

GOODBYE

The Torah lays out that when a Jewish person dies they must be buried within 24-48 hours absolute maximum. There are many reason but I am not going to discuss that because its irrelevant, but that is just how it is. Even though it's the 21st cwntury makes no difference.

Lastnight I barely slept. I spent the better part of the night talking to friends back home and in the USA. When I said goodbye to my friends it was around 3: 20. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Hard to say what time. Woke up this morning at 6:15 feeling forelorn and extremely lonely. I had a dilema. A decision to make. I was thinking that perhaps the right thing to do was to catch a flight (even if it were just one day) to pay my respect to Danny but also to his family. Sending flowers is a nice thing when the person is alive but it is an unacceptable standard in death. Bugger bugger bugger...fuck fuck fuck.  The heartfelt sorrow seems too much to bear today.

I learnt from my mother that my sister who resides in the USA will be taking the trip today to say goodbye on behalf of my family. Overall it changes nothing in my books. My mind is winding like the hand of a clock spining backwards out of control. All I want to do is hurl... I can't get this out of me. I want to run and scream. I want to get into my car and drive really far to nowhere just drive, ALONE.

What is it about dying that makes it difficult to comprehend. I mean I use to always say "There were two things in life that are for sure. You are born and then you die." Then why am I feeling so miserable today? Is it that I have been punched in my heart by my own words? Is it that I really cannot come to grips with my own emotions after all the years of missing him and now he's gone forever? Somehow it seems so unreal. Danny use to always tell me that is was never goodbye. He always said we'll talk soon. He flatly resused to say that word. Maybe the truth lies in the fact that it is goodbye.

But today it really is goodbye my lovely dove.

NO MORE DRUNK ENTRIES HERE...

Seriously 99% of the entries were made while I was...
1. Peeved at me ex-lover
2. Really peeveed at the lack of social justice in this world
3. Disturbed by something I saw or read thoughout the day
4. Happy with my sweetheart ex-lover
5. Some assignment I may have received a lower than my expected average score
6. Missing my ex-lover so I ranted
7. Was feeling sentimental about some silly thing like my ex-lover
8.  Ruined my dinner while making an entry so I got rotten about  my diner being burnt and forced an entry
9. Had love with my ex-lover felt happy and decided to fuck someones eyes by writing about it
10.Came home from an evening of total ridiculous fun with the girls and guess what....yup! wrote about it
11. My friend decides to check out and I get all ornery, irrtitable, and pissed off because I just cannot attend a funeral in New York, because I have exams to write next week and I need to focus focus focus. [roll eyes] but I just can't with all the things happening around me....
12. Because I was too happy to share with the world that I was slightly inebriated and the allure of it just really couldn't help myself
13. Was hungry and didn't know what to make so instead I made an entry
14. Because I really was missing him so I called and wanted to share this overwhelming  happiness with y'all
15.  Too intoxicated to remember even why I was making an entry

The short of this is I am not going to make anymore entries after having had one too many glasses of wine. It's not fun. It looks like someone threw up all over my screen but its seems others have taken a keen interest in what I have to say.

TIE ONE ON

It's been years since I've been invited to a formal party. A "black and white" party is a very formal event where everyone dresses up. But when DINKS (dual income no kids) put on a formal party, it's basically a party where by the end of the evening they destroy expensive suits.

There was one of these parties last night. I was invited and I went. And going to this party lead me to having the worst, most painful feeling I've ever had. Slight exaggeration but close enough…

There was a guy. Of course it involves a guy. I picked him out right away as being the most gorgeous guy I'd seen in a long time. Although he wasn't blatantly flirtatious with me, throughout the course of the party he made it clear and apparent that he wanted everything to do with my butterfly.

Toward the end of the night, he asked if I'd drive him to his car. I was way too inebriated to drive, but I said yes. On the way there, he talked a lot. I don't remember much of it because it was drizzling so I was thinking more about getting to the car than anything else. I think he tried to give me a kiss. Either that or he accidentally dropped his mouth while it was still attached to his face. But I refused because I was busy staying alive. I did hold his hand though to defuse the situation.

We got to the place where his car was. He got his key, opened my door, and asked, "Wanna follow me home?" And it was so excellently sexy. If you can relate this experience in any way, you'll know that it is probably the best feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why parties exist.

I got in my car and followed him. He changed lanes, I followed. A car cut in front of me. He turned, and then changed lanes again, I followed. The red lights refracting off the windshield blurred together. His tail lights were like the eyes of hope looking back at me. He turned again. I followed. I think. I saw a blinker somewhere. I turned in the general area of the blinker. The road was dark. He was gone. The eyes had shut. I was alone.

If you can relate to this experience, you'll probably know that it is the worst feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why psychologist exists.

I was about to get out of the car, drop to my knees, and cry his name while screaming, "Why? Why?" And eat mud and rub it all over myself. But I didn't do any of that, because I forgot his name. And it'd be embarrassing if I was on my knees passionately balling, "Oh brown hair man from the party? Why!? Oh where are you, the tall dark brown hair man with possibly too much cologne? Whyyyy?"

I stopped the car and turned off the engine. It was miserable. That was the worst, saddest, and most helpless I've ever felt. So I took a deep breath and thoroughly assessed my situation. And by assessing my situation, I mean pulling my dress up and had a romantic moment with my butterfly.

In retrospect, I did a few things wrong. These mistakes in a story generally are called morals. Here are the morals of this story.

1. If you meet a guy at a party, always bang him as quickly and close-by as possible. Never follow him home. No matter how drunk either of you are, find someplace nearby.

2. If you're driving a guy somewhere and he tries to kiss you, take it. It might be your only chance. If you don't take it, you might end up like me - lost and alone.

3. Never wear too much cologne. That's what makes girls want to follow you home. Help us both out and don't do that. And don't wear ugly shoes to a formal party. Girls can tell the difference between a Boat shoes and Good Italian leather shoes. You're better off putting plastic bags around your feet.

5. A "black and white" party does not mean everyone speaks in absolutes. And this is not in opposition to a Shades of Black or Blue Club where everyone is undecided and dithering.

5a. Always keep Kleenex in your glove compartment in case you get p***y blocked by global warming.

That's all. Take it or leave it. I'm going to go into my room and assess my situation some more.

UNDERLYING REASON WHY I WANT A BOYFRIEND

#10. So I have someone to share intimate thoughts and secrets with.


#9. So I have someone honest and forgiving in my life.


#8. So I can split a one-room apartment for $100/mo because spending $1000 each month to sleep and cook canned soup is bullshit.


#7. So I have someone to hang out with other than my penisless friends.


Also I have something to do when while waiting for Desperate Housewives to come on.


#6. So I have something "real" to blame my problems on.


#5. So I have someone to consistently dislike on a daily basis.


#4. So my less intelligent friends don't feel justified complaining about their boyfriends on the grounds that I don't "understand" because I don't have one, and then refusing to take my brilliantly crafted advice because somehow it's not relevant because I'm single and no single person could ever possibly have any understanding of relationships or the human condition. What's with people who ask for advice, and then don't take it? It's insulting. And it's not even relationship advice. You'll go to a restaurant with them, and they'll ask the waitress, "Is the fish and chips any good?" Of course the waitress replies, "Yes, it's excellent." Then your friend goes, "Ok. I'll have a hot soggy turkey sandwich." What the fuck were they asking for? Did the waitress give the wrong answer? Was my friend hoping the fish and chips was lousy? "Hi, I'll have the fish and chips, but only if it's rancid." People are WEIRD.


#3. Because boyfriends do stupid stuff all the time and it's fun to laugh at even though I think it's sad and pathetic. And also because guys find girls in relationships more attractive.


#2. So when I'm having a crappy day, I can make his life miserable by whining and sulking.


#1. So I have someone to have cybersex with.


-#10. So when I'm at a nightclub and can't find a guy to taunt, tease and tear off my panties, I have a backup plan.


-#9. So when I f@#K him, I can use a hidden camera. I've always wanted to do this with a guy. And he'll be like, "Oh! Baby! What the fuck are you shoving up my butt?" And I'll be like, "It's a hidden camera! Look! Now it's hidden, now it's not... Now it's hidden, now it's not!" And we'll have a few laughs and a torn butt@#
$l and then break up and I'll be back to where I am now - wishing I had something even though I know for a fact that I don't want it.


-#8. Apparently if one falls in love, one loses. And I have lost a lot in a short time but I'm curious to see how it feels again so I want one.


-#7. So I can practice lying.


-#6. So I can practice cheating although I've never done it, I want to hone my skills. And I heard the most exciting way to do this is to get a boyfriend first.


-#5.


-#4.

-#3.


-#2.

-#1.


I ran out of ideas but when I think of something I'll update. Too bad I disabled comments because I could use some suggestions. Anyhow, you get the jest.