Phew. I'm glad I got that off my chest. It's quite difficult getting some things off my chest. I'll give you one example - a fat guy I just fucked. He'll lie there panting like a enormous ball of pulsating wet silly putty and drool all over my bed sheets. Once I get him off and out the door, I can't go to sleep right away because my sheets look like they were regurgitated out of a Proton Pack.
Changing bed sheets is one of the most intellectually stressful activities I ever do. I put one corner on. Everything seems to be going to plan. Then I stretch to the next corner to achieve the second tier of slumber fabric status. Accomplished. It seems all downhill from there until I head for that third edge and the original corner whips off and racks me solid in the face. That's when everything goes to shit and I end up curling up in a ball on the floor and crying myself to sleep. All because of guys. If I were gay, that would never happen.
My boyfriend (wink wink) was over earlier and she asked me, "Claudia, how come you never got me a Birthday gift?" I told hin in a cutesy little baby voice,"Aww sugar, I'm so sowy, I almost forgot baby! Here's your pwesent" And unbuttoned my blouse, pulled up my skirt and displayed my wears. Naturally, like the snob he is , the guy tried to give me grief over the whole thing. As if he'd rather have a box of sappy chocolates instead of my delicious pussy.
I refuse to buy guys gifts, especially chocolates. Besides he’s not ironman. Not because I'm incompassionate, but because most of them do not appreciate good chocolate as it is. I ended up getting him a present though. It's a funhouse mirror that curves inward horizontally, making him appear wider than normal. I figured it might be some incentive to lose a few pounds, that fat pig. He's so stupid. I swear he's the dumbest guy on the planet. If this guy were a shoe, he'd be a Nike Airhead.
I'm just kidding, I don't even have a boyfriend. But if I did, he'd be really stupid because I'm ridiculously shallow when it comes to that kind of thing. I think everyone is, but I'm the only one that can admit it. As far as sex goes, looks are what's important. Not intelligence. Sex is a physical thing. Tell me the last time you masturbated to a guy’s senior thesis paper. Never. You don't masturbate to a guy's brains or personality. You masturbate to porno - guys showing off their dong. Sure there are emotions involved sometimes with sex but that's just codependent garbage that doesn't actually exist.
Attractive guys are never smart or cool because they don't need to be. A male's primary goal in life is to fuck as often as he can in one life. Attractive guys can get this done without touching a book. Ugly guys, on the other hand, need that extra edge to get the goo in women’s pussy.
Guys drive me insane, and ruin my bed sheets. Life would be so much easier if I were a lesbian. It's because I understand females. I know where they're coming from. Not guys. The only thing more confusing than guys is gravity. Seriously, how the fuck? One time my friend built a gravity bed so big that it collapsed in on itself from gravitational force and turned into a black hole and sucked in her panties and bras. We didn't know what to do? But hands down I’d rather be a lesbian. Seriously!
