Lie. This one immediately sets off my bullshit detector. Why the hell do guys say this all the time? What do they want, my sympathy? I recently had the misfortune of talking to a guy that claimed he rarely went on dates... yet every night of the week he goes out for a drink and hangs out with some girl at the local watering hole. Hmm... going out, hanging around with girls... sounds like the equivalent of a date to me, jackass.
"These new pants are giving me a rash on my balls..."
Lie. No, your inability to keep your l pants zipped closed for five minutes is giving you a rash on your balls. There's a guy I talked to that told me this; he said that he couldn't go for dinner because he had a rash on his balls. Putting pants on would irritate his jewels:
GROSS!
It just so happens that he's a super-jerk too. I'll just call him Ball-Rash for short (to conceal his identity--not that it matters, anyone can follow the trail of nasty-nasty he leaves behind to find out who he is). Maybe if Ball-Rash didn't jump on everything that moved, my fish wouldn’t stop swimming when he comes over. Also he wouldn't be in the situation that he's in. Silly Ball-Rash, pull your head out of your ass.
"I think you're really cool, let's hang out some time..."
Lie. This one translates to "I have no intention of calling you or hanging out with you, but I'm too much of a coward to tell you the truth, so I'll lead you on for a couple of weeks while you put your life on hold for me in case I actually stop being the indecisive jerk that I am and I give you a straight answer." Like I don't have anything better to do than to sit around and wait for your ass to call me. I'm so sick of inconsiderate guys that act like they're doing me a favor by gracing me with their BORING-ASS conversations on the phone. Tell you what super-dick, just forget it.
"I like everything when it comes to music..."
Lie. Oh, you like everything? Great! Since you like all music, we'll listen to what I want the whole time. Moron. I hate even talking about music with guys because more often than not, if it's not something off of the latest top 10 on the radio or some new-age hippy bullshit, chances are that he's never heard of it. Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you derive your own taste in music and stop listening to the hippy shit for a change. Just for the record, anyone that listens to Sarah McLaughlin has problems, seriously. Who the hell in their right mind would listen to that? If you see Sarah McLaughlin in your friend's CD collection that should be a warning flag that says "STAY AWAY."
"All I want is a nice girl that will make me feel special, that will listen to me, respect me and love me forever..."
Lie. He left off the part about " a girl that will have plenty of raunchy sex with you because that's all most trashy girls are really looking for, but you're too shallow to admit that to yourself because we want to keep this 'saint like' image we have going on and we don't want to sound too sluttish, so we're going to pretend that all the nice girls you've met so far haven't fit the bill when in reality, they've treated you infinitely better than any girl we could ever hope to meet at a local killing floor." I've said this before and I'll say it again:
GUYS DON'T WANT NICE GIRLS. END OF STORY.
I know there are SOME out there that do... the ratio of honest guys that want nice girls to sleazy girls that are in it for money and sex is very small, if not non-existent. However, I won't consider this possibility at this time. Almost every guy that goes to a club goes there for one reason: ass. More often than not, they get it. Way to go champion, you got laid, now wipe off the disease and try your luck again. That's all they want and girls aren't so stupid as to not realize this, but they want to make it sound like they're perpetual victims that can't find the elusive "nice girl." Why don't you actually TRY LOOKING for one, you moron? That's like a girl trying to find a "nice guy" by cruising St. George street downtown. You tread the grounds of prostitutes, so don't complain that’s all you have to show for it is a yield of whores. I'm so sick and tired of guys giving the false impression that they want a nice girl; this is only true for men in their 30's that have already spent a decade getting their brains screwed out and now they're finally pulling their heads out of their ass and they're looking for a decent girl to settle down with. It's not going to happen moron, you blew your chance. I see guys fall for bad girls every day. I see guys abused, cheated on and insulted in public ALL THE TIME. What the hell is wrong with them? They think that there's something wild and untamable about bad girls that's attractive? WAKE UP. You're getting abused, hurt, murdered and taken advantage of. Holy shit, how can people be so stupid? Is there no end to the barrel of stupid they drink from?
"I'm not really seeing anyone..."
Lie. "...except for Barb, but he's just a friend... and then there's Cynthia, but it's nothing more than sex. I'm kind of seeing Rachel on the side, but she has two kids and I don't know if I want to be tied down by kids right now...then there's Judy, but she's a housekeeper... oh she's so hot, but I can't settle down with someone like her because he she has no future and I need commitment ...Suzy ...Tamara .. Melissa .. blah blah blah" SOMEBODY TURN HIM OFF. You want to find a girl, yet all you do is talk about other girls. Great move A-hole. No wonder you can't find anyone. Here's a hint: quit sleeping around. Maybe someone will eventually respect you enough to treat you more than just a sex object.
"It’s been years since I had sex or never had sex before..."
Lie. Unless you ignore all those times I've been felt up on dates, performed and received oral, fooled around with other girls, etc etc etc. Why do guys lie about this? It doesn't have to be coitus for it to be sex. Sex is sex. Quit trying to give people the false impression that you're innocent and pure. Just tell the truth. If you're embarassed about it and regret doing it, then you probably shouldn't have done it in the first place. At the very least, you could respect yourself by telling the truth.
"Sorry I didn't call, my uncle was sick and there wasn't a phone in the hospital and I thought that maybe your cell battery died so I didn't bother calling you to tell you to not wait for me all day..."
Lie. Translation: I went drinking with my best friend and my father. Oh, you didn't know I had a girlfriend? Oh yeah, well I'm bi-sexual and we've been seeing each other on and off (in more ways than one) for over five and a half years. I guess I forgot to mention that part. True story.
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