Contrary to popular belief, dating is not easier when you are younger, and dating doesn't get any easier as you get older. Let's cut to the chase and get down to the nitty gritty...What exactly is it about dating that I hate so much? Why does the very word fill me many with fear and trepidation? I got it... Maybe it’s because it reminds me of a job interview. That's probably quite close to the mark. I have to be on my best behaviour to try and impress the person across the table from me that I’m the right person for the job as life partner. And it's the same, if they don't like you, you don't get the job. If you don't like them or they make you feel uncomfortable, you don't take the job.
Dating is as uncomfortable as sitting next to a hugely obese man whose ample body overflows from his seat onto yours on a flight from Dubai to Shanghai, where if he isn't snoring loudly he's farting silently, and every time he lifts an arm you almost pass out from the reek of his armpit. Also its uncomfortable because you're having to move out of your comfort zone and enter unchartered territory and is an extremely daunting. I hate not knowing. Unless I become a psychic or a clairvoyant, I just will not get this knot out of my gut. And if I did know, then where is the anticipation or the surprise? Sometimes you have to just go with your gut instinct and take a chance. More often than not, I can't be bothered to share myself with anybody again. Yeah, yeah, same old, same old. It does get tiring telling the same stories and relating the same incidents over and over again. It is de-motivating to open yourself up again to someone, and risk them abusing your trust and all that openness was for nought.
Oh yeah I hate waiting for the phone to ring for a follow-up date, even if I don't want to see that person again. I am aware that men hate spending money on a girl and then she doesn't put out. Then not only does he feel he wasted his time, but his money as well. Oh well, I guess they'll just have to get someone who equates a date with sex. They think if they spend all their pocket money on a date then they'll be able to get your leg over your neck. I hate the falseness of it, and people being all fake to try and impress you. This is probably because people are uncertain of what they want, and what you're looking for. They take a gamble on what they think you might like, and try and change to be that person. It would be much better if they were just themselves.
Friends have told me of the mistakes I will never make. For example: "A good date with just a good bonk. They both felt that animal attraction and end up having the most mind-blowing passionate sex on the first date. Then, the guy never calls you back." Obviously, they were just looking to get laid and nothing more.
I console myself with the fact that thus far FATE has intervened and spared me from a probable psychopathic pathologically schizophrenic stalker rapist. Surely I can come up with a multitude of reasons but it is because it's a pain trying to feign interest in learning about someone else who doesn't really interest me. And of course you don't want to appear rude, but who gives a shit why their partner cheated on them and ditched them. So as I was composing this message I was taking stock of some of the irritants of dating, and why I just can't stand doing it....
- I really hate it when I can't get their name right on the first date. Okay, this is a bad mistake to make and maybe I need to make up a silly song with their name in it to get it committed to my memory. Calling a date by the wrong name is a faux pas of the tenth degree. I've done it and I highly do not recommend it especially if you like the date.
- I hate awkward silences when we both try and think of what you can say. If we’re having awkward silences, then we obviously don't have much in common.
- I hate being asked what are you thinking about. Find an online psychic course and you'll be able to tell what I’m thinking. You'll never be able to figure out what I’m really thinking, so why waste your energy trying to read my mind.
- I am never sure if I am reading the signals correctly, like does he want sex on the first date because he is paying for dinner. If he is I need to call my mother and sharpen my Houdini skills and make myself disappear, FAST!
- I never know when I should call him to thank him for a NOT so interesting evening but dinner was great. I just think it's a polite thing to do, especially if the getaway was quick. But if he calls within five minutes of leaving me is tantamount to stalking. And please do not inundate my inbox with text messages because for me that is definite passion killer.
- I hate blind dates, especially when people misrepresent themselves. Buffed body and intelligent can turn out to be geeky and weedy with an IQ the size of a retarded ant. Sometimes, friends misrepresent friends when they set you up on a blind date. There's also a hint of desperation in the whole blind date scenario. If they're so perfect, then why are they resorting to blind dates to get a date? Not that I'm not worthy but think on this for a second... times up.
- I hate breaking the ice the first time by saying the wrong things and then feeling stupid afterwards. Like saying the most random things and many Freudian slips are made at times like these. I've called a date by my former husbands name...OPPS! Or like him catching me staring at his crotch or him at my mammary glands. Actually if I like the guy I find it sexy when he ogles my body.
- I hate it when other people show an interest in my date and start to flirt with them while I'm standing right next to them, and your date likes it. If they're basking in the attention like a chimpanzee at a chimpanzee's tea party in the zoo, enjoy it for a New York minute because I will dump you right there and move on. Not classy. Don't do it. At least not with me.
- I hate saying goodbye at the end of the date, not knowing if he’s going to kiss on the cheek or lips or what. I typically go for the European double cheek kiss, and if they want 'lips on the mouth' type of kiss, then they can make the first move and latch onto my lips like there's a magnetic pull of some kind. But I better be feeling you otherwise this could spell rejection.
- I hate it when my date is trying to be funny to impress me and I find it hard to smile or laugh as what they said wasn't at all funny. If you can't make me genuinely laugh, I just dump him. Smiling falsely will give me serious wrinkles and will require me to have expensive plastic surgery in the future.
- I hate it when after dating for a while; my date loses their manners and farts and burps after drinking anything, especially beer. But I’m supposed to be pleased that they feel comfortable enough around me to show me the real deal. It’s offensive. Stop it.
- Dating is exhausting as smiling inanely hurts my face. As mentioned above, it is not good for your complexion and appearance and there will be long-term effects. Maybe a pharmaceutical company needs to develop a 'Dating Tonic' which serial daters can use to boost their body's energy levels.
I''ll follow up laterif things go according to the above. However, in an event things turn out GREAT, I will not be back because I never kiss and tell.
