Lastnight I barely slept. I spent the better part of the night talking to friends back home and in the USA. When I said goodbye to my friends it was around 3: 20. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Hard to say what time. Woke up this morning at 6:15 feeling forelorn and extremely lonely. I had a dilema. A decision to make. I was thinking that perhaps the right thing to do was to catch a flight (even if it were just one day) to pay my respect to Danny but also to his family. Sending flowers is a nice thing when the person is alive but it is an unacceptable standard in death. Bugger bugger bugger...fuck fuck fuck. The heartfelt sorrow seems too much to bear today.
I learnt from my mother that my sister who resides in the USA will be taking the trip today to say goodbye on behalf of my family. Overall it changes nothing in my books. My mind is winding like the hand of a clock spining backwards out of control. All I want to do is hurl... I can't get this out of me. I want to run and scream. I want to get into my car and drive really far to nowhere just drive, ALONE.
What is it about dying that makes it difficult to comprehend. I mean I use to always say "There were two things in life that are for sure. You are born and then you die." Then why am I feeling so miserable today? Is it that I have been punched in my heart by my own words? Is it that I really cannot come to grips with my own emotions after all the years of missing him and now he's gone forever? Somehow it seems so unreal. Danny use to always tell me that is was never goodbye. He always said we'll talk soon. He flatly resused to say that word. Maybe the truth lies in the fact that it is goodbye.
But today it really is goodbye my lovely dove.
