The problem is that blind guy still eats a lot. So either you need an anorexic blind guy, or just switch his plate with the dish that belongs to his seeing-eye dog. Then hopefully the dog is anorexic and you can return the meal for a full refund.
For blind guys, going on a date means walking outside, getting in the car, turning it on, getting out, going back into the house, and playing Warcraft. He's like, "What movie is this?" And I say, "It's a new sci-fi movie that just came out." And he's like, "Why do they keep saying the same things over and over?" I say, "HMMM." Then after two hours, I say, "What a great movie." And I go with him outside again, start the car, turn it off, get out of the car, and go back inside. But this time, he's still in the car.
This is what you do. Get a blind boyfriend. Tell him we're taking a road trip. Go out to the car with him, start it up, give him a little PSP or some crap to keep his fingers occupied so he doesn't shart (=fart+shit) himself and get yuck all over the seats that lingers in your leather. Once he's comfortable, leave the car running and go inside. Then you're free to do whatever you want for at least eight hours.
I have regular BM’s every day, same time, like clockwork. It's like my colon has an internal metronome. Though, in theory, if I went around naked all the time, I could use my breast as a sun dials. (close your eyes and ears)The other day I took a crap, one plop, two plop, one everything. I looked down - two of everything. There were two little buddies, same shape, and same size. It totally baffled me. I had to stand up on the sink and look in the mirror to make sure I still had one anus.
That's the thing with boyfriends. The more senses they have, the harder it is to live with them. That's why smart guys are a pain in the ass. I had a smart boyfriend. He was correct like half the time. It was god damn annoying. I'd be like, "Well you know the Sweden conquered Britain in 1497." And he had to prove me wrong. I hate that. Can't people just let me make up bullshit and not have to prove me wrong? What point does it serve? All it does is make me feel stupid and embarrassed. That's it. Proving me wrong has absolutely no other effect.
There was this guy at a party. He was such an a-hole. They were talking about cooking. I said, "Yeah well, you can substitute baking powder for baking soda." And this guy actually went on the internet and showed that you couldn't. Why couldn't he just let it go? Let me say my bullshit, know its wrong, but not say anything. As if anyone actually cares.
What benefit comes from proving someone wrong? I hate it. In my perfect world, everyone agrees with everything anyone says. If I'm at a party and I want people to think I'm smart, I just say a bunch of crap about math. "Hey guys and girls, you know they found X. Finally. Yeah, some Russian scientist. He figured out what X is. X is 3. Who would have thunk it? Of all the numbers, X is 3. Golly gee wiz." And nobody says anything. They just go, "Wow, that guy is both mathematical and he keeps up on his news."
The future is going to suck when everyone has Google on Phones everywhere they go. It makes it impossible for me to bullshit my way into or out of anything. No matter what I say, all they have to do is a few clicks to verify it. It's a sad future.
What's weird about school? I've been thinking about this. We spend so much time learning about history, but never any time learning about the future. Are there things about the future that they're trying to hide from us? It's totally corrupt. They basically say, "Flying cars, cities on clouds, end of lesson, go home." There are thousands of text books written on any kind of history you can imagine. I've never once seen a textbook about the future. Maybe we all die in 3 years and that's their secret.
Sometimes I think about the apocalypse. Its like, "Yeah, that would freaking kool”. Sure, the carnage would rule. Everything being destroyed and chaos and I get to run into Best Buy and grab the entire high tech computer and TVs, DVD’s and stuff to decorate my bunker. HMMM what colour will I actually paint my bunker? Red! Yeah definitely red....
But then, imagine a few weeks later. It's still the fucking apocalypse. Everything has calmed down, it's barren outside. Just slight gusts of wind and ash. And I'm stuck in a bunker with a flat screen TV, DVD player and ten copies of Sex and the city ‘07 because some greedy ‘b’ with an itch snatched the newer ones. And that's just two weeks later. Imagine years of that. Hours would go by so slowly. Post-apocalypse is a boring world. No vampires or zombies or anything. Just me and god damn Sex and the city for the rest of my life. And maybe a blind guy too. And I have to sit there all day, "Yeah, still the same Football movie, honey, be patient." Sounds splendid.
Is the spacing messed up or am I really going blind?
