PRODICAL CHILDREN...

Seriously... Cuz, here the deal. I was feeling at a loss for things to do for my birthday. My best friend totally inspired me several weeks prior to my birthday when she gave me the super cool idea of doing Random Acts of Kindness in honour of my own birthday, and asking friends to join in the fun as a gift for my birthday. No one bit. But I was bitten by the bug, and I thought what harm could be done.


{You see where this is going, don’t you?}

So I spent an entire week doing 44 Random Acts of Kindness in honour of my 44 years of life.

1. I fed 2 parking meters.

2. I took food to the shelter.

3. I gave a hitchhiker a drive.

4. I bought my assistant lunch.

5. I paid for someone’s lottery ticket

6. I gave street person my sunglasses

7. I took out the trash for my neighbour

8. I brought a flower to my Aesthetician.

9. I handed a bottle of water out the car window to jogger.

10. I asked a very macho dude if I could pump his gas for him.

11. I bought a packet of cigarettes for my apartment manager.

12. I bought a get well card for my neighbour because she was sick.

13. I bought soil, seeds and growing container for a fellow neighbour.

14. I bought donuts for the entire office staff at my physiotherapy clinic.

15. At the grocery store I paid for a young boy’s lunch at the deli counter.

16. I dropped in on my former teacher with a coffee just so I could see the smile on his face.

17. I unloaded an older couple groceries and casually walked away.

18. I asked a tenant if I could put a wash in for them and paid for the two loads to wash and dry.

19. I cleaned up all the trash outside my apartment building.

20. I picked up a chocolate bar for my friend and showed up for a quick visit.

21. Returned grocery carts back inside the store from the parking lot for shoppers.

22. Inconspicuously dropped coins on the ground as I walked pass a homeless person.

23. I handed out Tootsie Pops to children (asked parents permission first of course!).

24. I bought a 1$20 gift card for groceries and turned around and handed it to woman in line behind me. I wasn’t prepared for the look on her face. I immediately left before I started to cry

25. I walked up to a family eating lunch at a local restaurant, placed a gift card on their table and walked out

26. Dropped off a hand written thank you note and doughnuts at the police station.

27. I took a large bag of clothes to the local homeless shelter.

28. I left 3 Tim Horton’s coffee gift cards for a coffee on random seats.

29. I paid for the woman’s coffee behind us in line at Starbucks.

30. I tucked happy notes in car doors in parking lot wishing people a good day full of God’s blessings.

31. I bought a Mylar balloon with a ribbon on is and gave it to a child.

32. I went to my friends house and read bedtime stories to their children.

33. Left quarters at a Laundromat.

34. I wrote a letter to old friend the old fashioned way and mailed it

35. I walked down the street into McDonald’s and asked the cashier to use my free coupon on next person in drive through line.

36. I took pictures of two tourists in front of Hard Rock Cafe and a family in the park.

37. I took plates of cookies to 2 neighbours I don’t really know and spent some time talking with them (no, I did not bake them myself but no one seemed to care).

38. I knelt down and gathered a newspaper that a woman whose hands were full dropped at the grocery store.

39. I left a small treat with a note of thanks for the mailman.

40. I called and left an I love you mom message of her work phone.

41. I gave a dozen hot doughnuts to a crew working on the power lines.

42. I bought a stuffed animal and handed it a child as I was exiting the drugstore.

43. I totally surprised my friend Oneika and bought her two shirts for her birthday.

44. I cooked diner for a friend.

While these were random acts, these are things we can do each day for someone. It was overwhelming but you do get some form of self gratification from this (if you know anything about me I love gratification) but I thoroughly enjoyed the expressions the smiles, hugs and thank you. When I told people who asked why I was doing this they were shocked. One lady actually made me cry…(bo ho ho) but it was tears of joy that my birthday was just a few days away.

Now let the party begin and it did. Unfortunately I cannot post all the images here because it kinda got out of hand.

Me, Mamadou, Maya

Me, Deidre, Maya, Toya

Me, Deidre, Maya, Toya

IF THIS WORLD WERE MINE HE'D BE HERE WITH ME...

It's been just over a week since Danny passed away. I've been very busy and somewhat distracted from thinking about my friend’s death. I'm having a real fuck of hard time today controlling my tears. It seems my emotions have gone apeshit on me. I didn't realize it would affect me this way. Even though he was married with a loving wife and children that absolutely adored him, I loved him too. I cannot imagine the grief they must feel today. The distance between us never changed we way we felt about each other as friends. The shock I feel is so overwhelming. This is relentless. When will this stop? At 2:00p.m I must be in the gym. It’s my first day back after one whole week. Danny was always working on his abs or something. I'm thinking that is what has triggered this feeling of sadness. Because an hour ago I was too excited to go. The excitement has suddenly turned to melancholy. But you know what I am going to go and work my ass off in honour of my friend. I have a personal trainer and he's so funny, I'm sure things will be fine. He always makes me laugh if nothing else.

GRAND DIGG

Every woman holds an image in her mental wallet of what her perfect lover looks like, and she may spend more than a little alone time playing out a chance meeting with him in her head. Several months ago, while browsing t a dating site, I found my fantasy guy. Dark hair, dark eyes - he was a high - rise of a man, standing a good 5’11 inches taller than my 5'9'' frame. Even under a long sleeved shirt, he had arms that I knew could toss me into the heavens. He was the handsomest man I had ever seen. I was in love. I mean lust. Whatever. Somethings simply defy logic.

I vaguely remember him introducing himself. What I do remember is this: The attraction was mutual, palpable, and instantaneous. We shared some light food, a glass of wine. After several hours of talking, we exchanged numbers.

We spent the next few days talking backgrounds, light flirting, and, eventually, arranging to meet. I couldn’t get him off my mind. I couldn’t wait to see this sexy creature again. Each time I spoke to him my body trembled like a scared child. My words were incoherent and shaky. This eventually passed.

I went to see him. The drive seemed long but in retrospect it was my desire to see him that was longing. Time morphed into walk on the beach, I held his hand, it felt so safe. We dug clams for the feast, then dinner. We walked to the top of the sprawling acres of his property. There we had clams, wine and greens. I had no other place to go, really. At some point it occurred to me that I wanted to kiss him. I offered and even though he was shy he gracefully accepted my offer.

I'd never done anything like that before. Truth is, I probably wanted him more than I had even realized. I didn’t think any less of myself for admitting I was human. But I'd said it, couldn't take it back, and didn't want to. After a few moments of delicious kissing it was getting dark. We hit the pathway back to his abode.

When we finally arrived back at the house I had second thoughts about staying. Looking back I’m glad I did. I kissed him most of the night into the wee hours of the morning and much of the next day. There was no real discussion. I wrestled with him throughout the night trying to keep chastity in place. Yah right! It was a hot summer day. We were also hot. We fondled each others bodies the whole day. The room was small and dirty. Our clothes were trewn all over the small room. We didn't care we were studing each other. Hours passed like seconds. We were practically sustaining ourselves by drinking water and eating honey and some fruits and cereal which we shared. I'm still not sure if we were trying to tell each other something but I was in a certain comfort zone. I knew I had made the right decision.

Talking about sex earlier in the day, it turned out, was the best kind of foreplay. And in the hours that followed, he proved himself a great listener. I wanted to be told what to do by a partner who was physically strong enough to throw me around a little and wasn't afraid of saying what he wanted, accidental noises, rug burns, muscle aches, or sweat. Arms were held back, legs moved up, bodies flipped, turned, licked, and tucked. It was furious and unforgettable.

While we do not see each other as often anymore I'd like to do over. I miss him. I want him. I made some obvious mistakes. I errect no defense. These days he's busy and so am I. But maybe I will call to say hello today! Who knows what can happen.

I USE TO THINK BIRTHDAYS SUCKED!

The last few years I developed a thinking that birthdays sucked. Especially because my mother is not right here to celebrate with me. Maybe selfish in my thinking but ask if I care? I don't! To me birthdays are simply what the name says: Birth Day!!! That day commenced with my mother me and g-d. My father was not there. (He was gallivanting somewhere in the world.) Anyhow as I was saying that day was fully realized by my mothers sheer will to reproduce an image of her.

Sometimes I wish nobody in the world would care about birthday’s period. They might be fun, they may be 'special', and people might give you gifts. But I find birthdays (apart from mine, obviously) very irritating.

Because it's so tough to remember! I can say for a fact, that I forget at least two of four birthdays every year, among the people I know quite well. And then when it hits you that you've forgotten somebody's birthday, you feel all guilty and miserable inside. I just hate it. And I don't know how to talk to that person afterwards or what to say, etc.

The other reason (most will agree) because it's so tough to choose gifts! I mean, when you want to gift someone very close to you, friend or family, it's so hard to come up with an idea. You may love that person or you may just want to give something for the sake of it, doesn't matter. Gifts are gifts. So many times, my friends and me have wasted hours and yet come up with nothing to gift another friend. The fact that I find shopping a waste of time adds to my pain.

I use to say “Once you're born, forget the date!” I figure if we just remember that you were born - in that month, that year all is good. Special occasions like Christmas, Chanukah, Oman, and all the other things are perfect. Because the whole world celebrate them on the same day and hence you won’t forget. You can gift somebody something on those days.

Sigh.. As you might've guessed I forgot a couple of birthdays this year. (I know, I know. Birthdays will remain for a long long time. And if my memory's not going to be apart of the equation why be involved. I better do something about it.

Now let’s get specifical why I’m writing here. A few days ago I celebrated my birthday and it was AWESOME. Two weeks prior to my birthday one of my friend who se birthday is close to mine had a huge birthday bash at one of the local restaurants. It was to celebrate both of our birthdays. Combined effort I call that. It was a surprise for me to walk in and see my friends and acquaintances. Wow! This was nice. (Actually I hate nice. Being nice is like being prudent. And I hope never to be prudent. 'Nice' is the sloppiest adjective in the whole book. I could live my life nicely without 'nice'. Bill Shakespeare used 'nice' to mean correct, fitting, proper, poetically a good connection, and thus forth. Right now it means 'a nice car', 'a nice ice-cream', 'a nice ass on that chick...' It is a word which deserves to disappear. Soon. To hell with nice.) And who ever sat up one day and said: “Hey I have a great idea, lets surprise someone by throwing them a birthday party.” Ummm! What if the surprise is on them and I didn’t show up? I did because I am nice.

Last weekend my friends Rob and Kim hosted my birthday party. It was crazy fun. We cooked, we ate, we drank, we sang songs, we danced, we laughed we hollered at the moon, we walked we ate some more, we kissed; we drank some more we crashed. It’s was one of those weekends you don’t want to end. I saw people I hadn’t seen since my stroke. Most everyone had time off or on vacation so we turned out to be a super long weekend. Mostly because we didn’t know when we would see each other again. Can you say hung-over…

My actual birthday was the perfect day if there ever was such a day. I woke up at 7am.Way too early since the night before was complete mayhem with the flood of calls. Got dressed and headed into town for what I consider to be the best way to kick-off to a birthday. The Spa. It was delicious, delightful, delectable. In other words yummy! I love that sort of thing. Five minutes into the facial I could feel by body totally relaxing to point where if I were ice cream I would melt all over her hands and onto the floor forming a sticky puddle. Ten minutes I was slightly snoring. It’s a unique thing because as soon as the facial is over I knew it and I was awake.

Then came the Pièce de résistance…the massage. So there I was again just a puddle of flesh in her hands. She had me cooing and oooing. G-d I was in heaven and she knew she had me. I was out like a burnt out street lamp. Gone again. When I emerge I felt so alive rejuvenated and completely fresh. That lasted three and half hours. Best part is it was a gift.

I stepped out into the world feeling brand new. I got into my car and drove home humming the tune that was in my head. Even the muddy river somehow looked good that day! Why was that? Again I was having an epiphany that would change the course of this day. Maybe the notion that birthdays suck is really rather negative and I must get a new perspective. I did.

My former mother-in-law called almost as soon as I walked in the door and said where have you been? I’ve been calling for a week now. Get dressed we’re going for lunch. I thankfully said: Hell yea! With the help of my assistant I quickly dressed and out the door. Lunch was great. My former mother –in-law is great too. I love her and she loves me. The rest is history.

After lunch we headed back to my humble abode. I opened my gift she brought. No real surprise there because she always gives money. I am grateful for ANY money I receive. Thoughtless gifts not so much. We said our good-byes and she was on her way.

While I was on the telephone with my sisters there was a knock on door. Low and behold flower delivery. I really was surprised. I was laughing out loud because this was rare. I use to get flowers at the door but it had been so long I forgot what that felt like. My heart was beating and my mind was racing. Who could have been so thoughtful? After all there was not only one delivery; there were two in one day. These were not just the run-a-the mill flowers. These were massive arrangements of everything exotic. I put my sister on the speaker phone and said talk to me while I read the cards. Ha ha ha ha ha…both my mother and my sisters had sent me flowers on the same day from the same place. It was beautiful. The second delivery came from an unlikely source. I gracefully accepted.

I was overwhelmed. I realized that birthdays are ‘special’ no matter how old you are. I love birthdays so much I'd like to be born again. So THAAAANK YOOOOUUUU to everyone for the gifts and cards! I love all of them and am using them already.

Cooking night / Big party in Eglin

Does it look kinda disgusting? It’s tasty butter bean and chorizo salad.

Butter beans are actually lima beans.

Those fuckers tricked me! The chorizo was veggie.

Kim is writing a cookbook and she wanted me to take photos.

I asked how much cleavage she wanted in the shots,

and she said enough to make her book a bestseller.

Birthday bbq goes up in flames

Happy Rob serves up gourmet burgers...yum yum

People ate the food.

People stood around and had a party

Seth is jumping for joy

Couch potatoes: Mike Angella Vince

This is my new friend Andrea.

She’s smart, fun, cute and always says yes to adventure.

There was crazy sleepover / brunch the next day action.

That’s Hanna! She moved here from Toronto!

Check out the stylish ladies in Elgin!:

Cheerful Cindy

Boom! I’was cured, no water will seem cold to me for the rest of the summer!

Elgin is all right. Gordon Falls it picturesque in the morning.

It’s like deep mountainous woods, but only 40 minutes from Moncton Maybe I’ll raise kids there.

Stay tuned for a post about how I like Elgin now and don’t just say that to console myself.

LEAP OF FAITH

I believe some of the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt from within. Friday night I simply made a deal with myself to attend temple. It's strange  because it had been about eight months since I had been to temple. So yesterday I woke at 730 am and true to my word I showered, ate dressed and went. Not to appease G-d? Not because it is ingrained in me. Not for the fear of hell. But it just  because it felt so so right to do so. I was going nuts in my head with all the 'crazy' that has taken place in the past few months. Not to mention my friend passing. I needed a place to think for a few moments. However, concentration of mind is absolutely necessary for establishing union with oneself. This is a difficult thing to do whether one attempts to worship God in manifested form or in the form which is not manifested. I loved it. I am so glad and happy I did.

IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS

Who are we? Why are we here? Funny how just because we're capable of asking the question, we assume there's an answer. We are a self aware chemical reaction. We replicate, therefore we are. We have been growing unstopped to date, thanks to the diversity we've enjoyed. This is despite irregular culling of entire species - bombardment from space by the irregular comets and asteroids that frequent our solar system. In fact, life at our level may never have happened but for this culling... But I digress.

GOODBYE

The Torah lays out that when a Jewish person dies they must be buried within 24-48 hours absolute maximum. There are many reason but I am not going to discuss that because its irrelevant, but that is just how it is. Even though it's the 21st cwntury makes no difference.

Lastnight I barely slept. I spent the better part of the night talking to friends back home and in the USA. When I said goodbye to my friends it was around 3: 20. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Hard to say what time. Woke up this morning at 6:15 feeling forelorn and extremely lonely. I had a dilema. A decision to make. I was thinking that perhaps the right thing to do was to catch a flight (even if it were just one day) to pay my respect to Danny but also to his family. Sending flowers is a nice thing when the person is alive but it is an unacceptable standard in death. Bugger bugger bugger...fuck fuck fuck.  The heartfelt sorrow seems too much to bear today.

I learnt from my mother that my sister who resides in the USA will be taking the trip today to say goodbye on behalf of my family. Overall it changes nothing in my books. My mind is winding like the hand of a clock spining backwards out of control. All I want to do is hurl... I can't get this out of me. I want to run and scream. I want to get into my car and drive really far to nowhere just drive, ALONE.

What is it about dying that makes it difficult to comprehend. I mean I use to always say "There were two things in life that are for sure. You are born and then you die." Then why am I feeling so miserable today? Is it that I have been punched in my heart by my own words? Is it that I really cannot come to grips with my own emotions after all the years of missing him and now he's gone forever? Somehow it seems so unreal. Danny use to always tell me that is was never goodbye. He always said we'll talk soon. He flatly resused to say that word. Maybe the truth lies in the fact that it is goodbye.

But today it really is goodbye my lovely dove.

NO MORE DRUNK ENTRIES HERE...

Seriously 99% of the entries were made while I was...
1. Peeved at me ex-lover
2. Really peeveed at the lack of social justice in this world
3. Disturbed by something I saw or read thoughout the day
4. Happy with my sweetheart ex-lover
5. Some assignment I may have received a lower than my expected average score
6. Missing my ex-lover so I ranted
7. Was feeling sentimental about some silly thing like my ex-lover
8.  Ruined my dinner while making an entry so I got rotten about  my diner being burnt and forced an entry
9. Had love with my ex-lover felt happy and decided to fuck someones eyes by writing about it
10.Came home from an evening of total ridiculous fun with the girls and guess what....yup! wrote about it
11. My friend decides to check out and I get all ornery, irrtitable, and pissed off because I just cannot attend a funeral in New York, because I have exams to write next week and I need to focus focus focus. [roll eyes] but I just can't with all the things happening around me....
12. Because I was too happy to share with the world that I was slightly inebriated and the allure of it just really couldn't help myself
13. Was hungry and didn't know what to make so instead I made an entry
14. Because I really was missing him so I called and wanted to share this overwhelming  happiness with y'all
15.  Too intoxicated to remember even why I was making an entry

The short of this is I am not going to make anymore entries after having had one too many glasses of wine. It's not fun. It looks like someone threw up all over my screen but its seems others have taken a keen interest in what I have to say.

TIE ONE ON

It's been years since I've been invited to a formal party. A "black and white" party is a very formal event where everyone dresses up. But when DINKS (dual income no kids) put on a formal party, it's basically a party where by the end of the evening they destroy expensive suits.

There was one of these parties last night. I was invited and I went. And going to this party lead me to having the worst, most painful feeling I've ever had. Slight exaggeration but close enough…

There was a guy. Of course it involves a guy. I picked him out right away as being the most gorgeous guy I'd seen in a long time. Although he wasn't blatantly flirtatious with me, throughout the course of the party he made it clear and apparent that he wanted everything to do with my butterfly.

Toward the end of the night, he asked if I'd drive him to his car. I was way too inebriated to drive, but I said yes. On the way there, he talked a lot. I don't remember much of it because it was drizzling so I was thinking more about getting to the car than anything else. I think he tried to give me a kiss. Either that or he accidentally dropped his mouth while it was still attached to his face. But I refused because I was busy staying alive. I did hold his hand though to defuse the situation.

We got to the place where his car was. He got his key, opened my door, and asked, "Wanna follow me home?" And it was so excellently sexy. If you can relate this experience in any way, you'll know that it is probably the best feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why parties exist.

I got in my car and followed him. He changed lanes, I followed. A car cut in front of me. He turned, and then changed lanes again, I followed. The red lights refracting off the windshield blurred together. His tail lights were like the eyes of hope looking back at me. He turned again. I followed. I think. I saw a blinker somewhere. I turned in the general area of the blinker. The road was dark. He was gone. The eyes had shut. I was alone.

If you can relate to this experience, you'll probably know that it is the worst feeling in the world. This feeling is the sole reason why psychologist exists.

I was about to get out of the car, drop to my knees, and cry his name while screaming, "Why? Why?" And eat mud and rub it all over myself. But I didn't do any of that, because I forgot his name. And it'd be embarrassing if I was on my knees passionately balling, "Oh brown hair man from the party? Why!? Oh where are you, the tall dark brown hair man with possibly too much cologne? Whyyyy?"

I stopped the car and turned off the engine. It was miserable. That was the worst, saddest, and most helpless I've ever felt. So I took a deep breath and thoroughly assessed my situation. And by assessing my situation, I mean pulling my dress up and had a romantic moment with my butterfly.

In retrospect, I did a few things wrong. These mistakes in a story generally are called morals. Here are the morals of this story.

1. If you meet a guy at a party, always bang him as quickly and close-by as possible. Never follow him home. No matter how drunk either of you are, find someplace nearby.

2. If you're driving a guy somewhere and he tries to kiss you, take it. It might be your only chance. If you don't take it, you might end up like me - lost and alone.

3. Never wear too much cologne. That's what makes girls want to follow you home. Help us both out and don't do that. And don't wear ugly shoes to a formal party. Girls can tell the difference between a Boat shoes and Good Italian leather shoes. You're better off putting plastic bags around your feet.

5. A "black and white" party does not mean everyone speaks in absolutes. And this is not in opposition to a Shades of Black or Blue Club where everyone is undecided and dithering.

5a. Always keep Kleenex in your glove compartment in case you get p***y blocked by global warming.

That's all. Take it or leave it. I'm going to go into my room and assess my situation some more.

UNDERLYING REASON WHY I WANT A BOYFRIEND

#10. So I have someone to share intimate thoughts and secrets with.


#9. So I have someone honest and forgiving in my life.


#8. So I can split a one-room apartment for $100/mo because spending $1000 each month to sleep and cook canned soup is bullshit.


#7. So I have someone to hang out with other than my penisless friends.


Also I have something to do when while waiting for Desperate Housewives to come on.


#6. So I have something "real" to blame my problems on.


#5. So I have someone to consistently dislike on a daily basis.


#4. So my less intelligent friends don't feel justified complaining about their boyfriends on the grounds that I don't "understand" because I don't have one, and then refusing to take my brilliantly crafted advice because somehow it's not relevant because I'm single and no single person could ever possibly have any understanding of relationships or the human condition. What's with people who ask for advice, and then don't take it? It's insulting. And it's not even relationship advice. You'll go to a restaurant with them, and they'll ask the waitress, "Is the fish and chips any good?" Of course the waitress replies, "Yes, it's excellent." Then your friend goes, "Ok. I'll have a hot soggy turkey sandwich." What the fuck were they asking for? Did the waitress give the wrong answer? Was my friend hoping the fish and chips was lousy? "Hi, I'll have the fish and chips, but only if it's rancid." People are WEIRD.


#3. Because boyfriends do stupid stuff all the time and it's fun to laugh at even though I think it's sad and pathetic. And also because guys find girls in relationships more attractive.


#2. So when I'm having a crappy day, I can make his life miserable by whining and sulking.


#1. So I have someone to have cybersex with.


-#10. So when I'm at a nightclub and can't find a guy to taunt, tease and tear off my panties, I have a backup plan.


-#9. So when I f@#K him, I can use a hidden camera. I've always wanted to do this with a guy. And he'll be like, "Oh! Baby! What the fuck are you shoving up my butt?" And I'll be like, "It's a hidden camera! Look! Now it's hidden, now it's not... Now it's hidden, now it's not!" And we'll have a few laughs and a torn butt@#
$l and then break up and I'll be back to where I am now - wishing I had something even though I know for a fact that I don't want it.


-#8. Apparently if one falls in love, one loses. And I have lost a lot in a short time but I'm curious to see how it feels again so I want one.


-#7. So I can practice lying.


-#6. So I can practice cheating although I've never done it, I want to hone my skills. And I heard the most exciting way to do this is to get a boyfriend first.


-#5.


-#4.

-#3.


-#2.

-#1.


I ran out of ideas but when I think of something I'll update. Too bad I disabled comments because I could use some suggestions. Anyhow, you get the jest.

You like having fun? Me too!

I found the perfect man online. He enjoys having fun, I like having fun. He likes watching movies, I like watching movies. He likes listening to music, and wouldn’t you know it I can’t live without music, I just love music. He enjoys long walks on beach holding hands, I enjoy long walks on beach holding hands. Loves cuddling on the sofa and kissing, I like cuddling on the sofa and kissing too. He loves travel, gourmet cuisine, literature, poetry….He absolutely loves himself, I’m narcissistic too. I like all of those things too! We're obviously a perfect match because nobody else could possibly enjoy music and fun. There is just no way can any guy be quite as unique and cultured as this one. He has a very descriptive profile that accents his intellect and incredible individuality:

Basics: Stallion69

“hey girls i’m just looking for that girl I can be friends with and maybe more”

That's interesting because most guys are looking for a girl who can cook clean iron your shirt, get you a beer, have a job, and take care of the children Of course, this is what he's really saying:

Basics: “if i said i’m looking for a slave girlfriend/wife that would mean i want sex and i don’t want you ladies to think that i’m a manwhore. if i say i’m looking for just a friend, people will only want to be my friend and that won’t work for me because i want sex, sex, sex.

I like a guy who can cover up his sluttiness with such elegance and style but still manage to say something brilliant and intriguing. Here are some more amazing highlights:

Basics: “i love hanging out with my friends and partying with them…i love watchin movies of all kinds sports readin and havin fun fun fun…i’m outgoin, openminded person but i have a shy side…lol he he he he”

First things first, I really hate that lol he he crap so just cut it out ok Romeo. It's not cute under your circumstances. Also mine for that matter.

Outgoing with a shy side? That's great because most guys aren't shy or self-conscious at all. Whenever I meet a guy for the first time, they tell me all of their deepest secrets about their penis and inner organ (tongue) and what not. It's quite a put off and I wish more guys were outgoing with a shy side. The "havin fun" trait really turns me on. I'm tired of guys asking me, "Hey Cj wanna go stare at a wall?" I like this one because he seeks entertainment and that's abnormal and mysterious.

Favourite things: “well my favourite things would be listenin to music watchin movies, hangin out with my friendz ummmm drivin around in my red shiny corvette with the music blastin ummm the music, drinkin and thatz about it”

He likes listening to music. ME TOO! I love music! Holy cow, this is incredible. It's like I'm reading my own profile! G-d forbid, he even enjoys hanging out with friends. Most guys I've met only hang out with their enemies. This is truly my dream guy.

About me and dream date:

“i am searching for a woman who is caring sensitive smart hot faithful, honest. i will not tolerate a cheater or a slut liar. i just want a normal girl to have fun fun fun with and get to know after.”

After WHAT?

While most girls are looking for that stupid, insensitive type who cheats and lies, this guy is the opposite. I'm sick of my gal - pals telling me to sleep around behind their back. It gets boring. I say to them, "Honey, I love you so much and would never dream of being with anyone else." That pisses them off and they yell at me, are you nuts? "Why are you being so sensitive and smart? Hit yourself in the head with a brick because I want a retarded boyfriend who fucks other women and beats the living piss out of me in front of my friends."

Music, movies, monogamy... I couldn't possibly find anyone as extraordinary and I can't see myself with any other guy. I sure hope he finds my site and falls in love with me. What an exotic pair of thrillseekers we will be - watching movies, listening to music, and hanging out with friends. If you're the guy I'm talking about, email me right now because you are the one and I will spend my entire life finding you. I've attached my email so you can  copy and paste it without having to think ok babe.
funfunfun@hotfemale.com

My Contribution....

To be a famous scientist, one needs a catchy equation or theory associated with their name. When you think "Einstein", you say "E=MC squared" That's what makes him so famous. Newton is well-known for stating the extremely poetic phrase, "For every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction." Plus, he was named after a cookie.

With these thoughts in mind, I spent a few weeks drawing nothing but blanks. At first I thought about changing my name from Jasmine to Flower, but that didn't fly with my mom. Then, one magical night as I was boning my former, it dawned on me that nobody truly understood the mathematics involved with sex. I thought it was absurd that the two coolest things on the planet hadn't been linked together yet. "Hmm," I thought, "Being both a sex goddess and a math guru, finding that connection should be easy for me."
And it was. I threw him off, grabbed a pen, and wrote this formula down on his butt cheek:

There you have it: sex equals fun. Damn, I'm a genius. I should get a full ride scholarship to Harvard. That, or the Playgirl Mansion, either one is okay with me. Actually, I'd probably go with Playgirl if they both offered at the same time, but Harvard would be alright too. Do they actually have a Playgirl Mansion? They must…

BACHELOR DEGREE

When you think it's just about over it never truly is. So I wrote one exam today and it went seeminly well. Then I learnt I must write the next within ten days. Which means I don't get to scratch my rear end. What it really means is if look up form my book even for a second, some curse is going to get me. For example lets take Nobert here if I just stare at him forever why the hell do I need a Bachelors degree. He has earned his Masters degree and I already have a Bachelors. He a bachelor and I'm a bachelorette with that combonation we have earned a PhD. Afterall who wants to do homework when Norbert is coming to town to celebrate my birthday this weekend. I'll just have do a different kind of studying but not the kind common to writing an exam. Just my luck. What's a girl to do???

Being certified doesn't make you any less of a$$

I saw a commercial on TV the other day. There was some guy saying "Do you want a high paying job in the construction industry? Tired of seeing job opportunities being wasted because you don't have the right skills? Well now you can get certified training in one of these exciting fields," he went on to say "Construction Management, Estimator, or Handyman’s Assistant!" At this point I had to take a cold shower because I was so excited.

LOVE LUST DEBAUCHERY

Loving, cherishing and celebrating ex-lovers is an unpopular phenomenon that completely and utterly blows my skirt up. And it’s a phenomenon in which nowadays many appreciate but not me. We often see and experience break-ups that end in malice and with hard feelings. I said some things, he said some things but in the end I have to believe we were both hurt by things said. I don’t need to cite any examples, as I’m sure we all know of plenty.

But as unpleasant as this may be, I cannot justify or entertain the transition from love to hate. They say the line between love and hate is only thin when there was no love to begin with. I only hold love in my heart when I smile upon the memories of my ex-lover. I can truly appreciate the learning experiences of these journeys and the tiny connection that we shared.

When I love someone, I find that it is a merging of lives at some level. When you part ways, I find that this merging doesn’t fully come undone; instead, I enjoy keeping in touch and exploring our connection in a different context. If someone played any role in my experience on this Earth, I don’t think that I’d want to write them out of my life forever unless the relationship was truly toxic. It really wasn’t.

The weeks that passed in many ways felt like I had graduated from the feelings of missing him and I didn’t really love him. I was literally a new woman; incapable of seeing life the way I had previously. I had undergone the most radical, holistic, and spiritual rebirth anyone could imagine. It was intense but worth the time and the painful truth.

My mother and close friends couldn’t relate to me any more and I felt myself drifting away from them like insignificant acquaintances, making way for a new set of rules and friends who vibrated on a higher plane. It was a plane I hadn’t even known existed months ago, one I couldn’t grasp or conceive of until I met my therapist.

Leaving what I would call a healthy marriage and venturing into the unknown was scary but I was up for the challenge. And now this new found love was going to challenge me further and boy I was ready. Change was still a little scary for me but I knew that I was better prepared to face the unknown than I had ever been before in my life. When I shut the door to the therapist office, I knew I was shutting the door on my thoughts of wanting to use sex to numb the pain of my insecurities, of projecting my lust onto men and expecting them to conform to my distorted view. It was only after 8 very intense weeks of radical therapy that I took responsibility for my emotions, owned them, and didn’t try to hide from them in a blur of irrational and immature behaviour that made excuses for my new dysfunction. I couldn’t look at men the same way because I was a new woman.

After each secession as I would drive home I was relinquishing my fears and embracing my future. My old self would have seen this as an excuse to celebrate by getting tipsy and waking up the next day with fuzzy memories and regrets.

Instead I stopped off at WalMart to see if I could get some things to help me organize my closet.

But this is where things take a turn in the wrong direction. I called my former lover one night because I truly missed him. We continued to exchange pleasantries. He referred to my cry for his affection as a 'booty call'. I never could figure out why he would regard my passion and deep affection for him in such a manner. I was so proud of myself for not making crude, sexual jokes even at a time li it felt natural. The truth is I wanted to feel him deep within the depths of me. I wanted to taste his sweet nectar. I wanted his scent all over me.

I made plans to call the next day, and I called. I called around supper time to see what we would like to eat that evening. True to my word, I came bearing gifts. I greeted him with a big huge smile like he was a long lost friend. I was confident that there was a connection that couldn’t be denied. It was a relationship that had potential; there was an undeniable heat that was smouldering between us. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his mouth softly. I could feel the divided mounts. I felt his wrath that was upon me. I had butterflies in my stomach and my knees were weak. It was like my first kiss ever. I heard HIS whisper like music to my ears. The thought of him on my body, made my brown skin glow. The sheets were fresh and he helped to undress me. I laid down on the bed and it was all I could do to keep from hyperventilating. All I was thinking at that point is “Stay with me, don’t leave me” as I spread my legs and invited him to reside in me.

His skin next to mine was like heaven. I wrapped my legs around him and felt like I was in a cocoon of sweet masculinity. His dick was as hard as a rock and I was grinding my body against him, making him dizzy with sensations.

It was important for me to take things slowly, to give him great pleasure. I wanted to re-learn his body, to let go of everything I’d learned in the past to experience making love with him, as if it was my first time. I could feel the heat from his body scorching me; I wanted him to be inside me in a way I’d never felt before. It was an overwhelming desire to reconnect to him. He began sucking my hardened nipples. I kissed my way down his body, licking his tummy and down my way to his manhood. He slid my panties down my legs and stared at my butterfly. My wings opened sensually and seemed to be calling to him. He lowered his hand and began gently penetrating at her flowing juices. My tongue softly licked his sweetness tasting his sweet wine and savouring his flavours.

Minutes passed like milliseconds I was desperate to have him inside me. My heart skipped a beat as he asked if I did not want him inside me. He took the head of his Penis and placed it  near my wings. The heat traveled from his body and into mine. My silky walls grabbed him and pulled him deeper. Our cries echoed out into the calm night sky. He was stroking me hard and I was meeting each thrust with passion. It was too intense. I couldn’t control myself. It had been many weeks. I needed to have him deep inside me, to fill me completely. He was, giving me pleasure like he’d never done before, and I experiencing pleasure in ways I’d never known were possible.

I was cumming all over him. My body was trembling and my juices were flowing freely. He concentrated and kept up his technique. He lowered my legs from his shoulders and gripped my hips tightly. The head of his penis was hitting bottom and he couldn’t stop his own orgasm from overtaking him. The cum in his nuts boiled up and exploded inside me as I held him tightly to my body.

We pulled the blanket over us still vibrating from the sweet essence of our lovemaking. I was in haven of romance and intimacy, one that we had created with our own mind and hands. My independence wasn’t threatening but I realized that was indicative of my own growth as woman and as a human being. I gave myself a passing grade on my life test and went on about my life feeling empowered

Eat Your Heart Out

Ok so I sent a message in a vacuum to see if my X wanted to celebrate Passover/Easter weekend together,eat some really nice food, (I was all too willing to prepare with the help of my personal assistant), sample some wine (four glasses preferbly but more if necessary), eat some sweets including me(food and sex go hand in hand for me)...hahaha, tell some funy silly stories even laugh at ourselves and just relax in general. My X has as much manners as a pig in his sty. He doesn't reply. When he does he uses the same format I use only because I remain convinced that he is a coward and lacks the substance to articulate clearly his expectations, needs wants and desires. Calling me is just way out of his relm. What did I ever see in him? What do I see now? Last evening at a dinner party I made mention of his name to someone I trust more than my mother for g-dsakes and without warning WHAM she slaps me with who is this guy? Before I could say one full sentence - she stops me dead in my tracks and says "You're not seeing him, we're going for a run instead - that is a dead issue, leave that alone it does not concern you anymore, forget it, do not call him ANYMORE, wtf is wrong with you she said, don't you get it - it's fucking over over over." So after a funfilled evening she drove me home. The drive was short, but the silence bore holes through me. I checked my messages to see if he replied to my offer to spend some Q time with me breaking bread. Ofcourse there was no response. I dry my eyes and head off to bed. Today I woke early with several things on my mind. 1) I knew I need to be alert for the confrence call that I was going to be having with my tutor and my Prof. at 8:30 a.m to iron the strategy for my upcoming final exam this week. 2) I was really hoping to get a message saying "Yes I think its a great idea to bread bread and drink some wine" but just as my pragmatic mind told, do not hold your breath you will die from the lack of air. For some it’s easier to accept than others. But I don’t think anyone enjoys being ignored. It's like a death occured.  The first few days I cried my heart out. I let out all of my negative feelings, and do almost nothing more all day than to "think about him". Whenever I try to slip in a positive thought, I’ll disregard it right away. It’s my privelege to be sad just a few days a year. Initially I thought it really important in this phase is that you don’t talk to anyone about the break up. At least not more than something like “we’re not together anymore”. I stopped listening to the radio, unplugged the television, because that will fuck with your emotions, and I was already fucked up so why bother.So I just let myself be as sad as I could, without talking to anyone, and without getting feelings from anyone else other than myrself(very important). I got to the point where I was sick thinking about him. I started realizing that he wasn’t "the one" for me, and that I have my whole life waiting, along with millions of cute guys. But the tricky part is the mind has a way of playing tricks on you. I did allow my human instint to get in the way after spending time ridding myself of the emotional baggage that came with this relationship.  I was fluctuating backwars and forward each day, but the crying is over. My heart has harden to its reality. Soon, I’ll meet another guy, twice as nice, and it’s all uphill from here with joy and happiness. So in conclusion I am taking my gal-pal advice and leave this alone. I am going to spend the weekend studying and will be cooking a feast for my girls. Besides they love and care for me. Added bonus, they love my cooking and they tell me so with all the ooos and ahhhhs, but they always ask when will we do this again. Life’s strange isn’t it?


Cheers

...Season of Our Liberation

The eight-day festival of Passover is celebrated in the early spring, from the 15th through the 22nd of the Hebrew month of Nissan. It commemorates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt. And, by following the rituals of Passover, we have the ability to relive and experience the true freedom that our ancestors gained. So the story goes …After many decades of slavery, during which time the Israelites were subjected to backbreaking labor and unbearable horrors, G d saw the people's distress and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: …"the ten devastating plagues, afflicting them and destroying everything from their livestock to their crops. While doing so, G d spared the Children of Israel, "passing over" their homes—hence the name of the holiday. The resistance was broken, and he virtually chased his former slaves out of the land. The Israelites left in such a hurry, in fact, that the bread they baked as provisions for the way did not have time to rise. Many thousands of adult males, plus many more woman and children, left Egypt on that day, and began the trek to Mount Sinai and their birth as G d's chosen people. Thus Passover is divided into two parts. 1) The first two days and last two days (that commemorate the splitting of the Red Sea) are full-fledged holidays. Holiday candles are lit at night, and Kiddush and sumptuous holiday meals are enjoyed on both nights and days. We don't go to work, drive, write or switch on or off electric devices. We are permitted to cook and to carry outdoors. b) The middle four days are called Chol Hamoed, semi-festive "intermediate days," when most forms of work are permitted. To commemorate the unleavened bread that the Israelites ate when they left Egypt, we don't eat or even retain in our possession any "chametz" from midday of the day before Passover until the conclusion of the holiday - any food or drink that contains even a trace of wheat, barley, rye, oats, spelt or their derivatives and wasn't guarded from leavening or fermentation. This includes bread, cake, cookies, cereal, pasta, and most alcoholic beverages. Moreover, almost any processed food or drink can be assumed to be chametz unless certified otherwise. Ridding our homes of chametz is an intensive process. It involves a full-out spring-cleaning search-and-destroy mission during the weeks before Passover, and culminates with a ceremonial search for chametz on the night before Passover, and then a burning ceremony on the morning before the holiday. Chametz that cannot be disposed of can be sold to a non-Jew for the duration of the holiday. Seders which really the highlight of Passover observed only on the first two nights of the holiday. The Seder is a fifteen step, family oriented, tradition and ritual packed feast. The focal points of the Seder are:

• Eating matzah.

• Eating bitter herbs—to commemorate the bitter slavery endured by the Israelites.

• Drinking four cups of wine or grape juice—a royal drink to celebrate our newfound freedom.

• The recitation of the Haggadah, a liturgy that describes in detail the story of the Exodus from Egypt. The Haggadah is the fulfillment of the biblical obligation to recount  mostly to your children the story of the Exodus on the night of Passover.

There's much more but I just don't have time but the central idea is there... Happy Passover! Happy Easter!

STUDYING IS FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED TO GET THEIR PRIORITES STRAIGHT #2

Guess what I am doing at the moment, come on it’s not that difficult. Oh come on guess. It’s in the title for Pete’s sake. Fine then if you aren’t going to guess then I have to tell you. I am studying, otherwise known as the most boring activity this side of the Galaxy unless there exists a planet on our side of the galaxy where a commonly engaged activity is to repeat the word boredom to oneself for 8 hours straight. So I’m studying you ask, what’s the big deal we all had to do it when we were at school, that or you are still at school. The point is that studying sucks, not in particular that it sucks for me. I believe that if you are being asked to learn things which require you to go over it every few months to remember it then clearly you are not cut out for that particular area of study and should be removed from it immediately. That or your teacher sucks.

For the former, I think you should just drop that subject on the spot. Because if the subject holds so little of your interest then, clearly you are not going to go into any field that requires it. But you scream in protest “Einstein failed high school mathematics and look at what he did.” To which I reply AHA. In my opinion if Einstein did poorly in maths at school it probably had something to do with him having a rather unimaginative teacher which didn’t grasp Einstein’s interest in mathematics and all it’s other cousins in the Scientific world. So when Einstein re-examined this stuff in his own time and found he liked it, well then he became good at it very quickly and several years later due to contributions on his part Japan had TWO less cities to manage. So putting aside that maybe having an unimaginative and dull teacher was the universe trying to steer Einstein away from indirectly destroying two cities we can see that if you are good at something then you will probably find interest in it at some point.

Take me as a second example, until about the seventh grade I found English interesting but due to a large quantity of uninspired teachers I lacked understanding in portions of the critical field of punctuation and still to a degree today. But it does not hinder my feeble attempts at writing.

But returning to the topic at hand. Imagine how much happier a place academic institutions would be if lets say you could drop Math in favour of something you enjoyed. Sure we partially get choice in grade 10 but we are still stuck with a few subjects that some of us would rather not do. Computers Science should be made optional is what I’m getting to. Anyway I am going to crawl back to my books and continue studying now...

Philosophical Me

Once again, my little mind has wandered off from reality and into the realm of self-thought. So, I’ve been thinking a lot while people around me assume that I’m daydreaming.

Hahaha! Not true! I don’t daydream, I just think a lot.

Questions without answers, answers without knowing which is true and what not. Dilemma, dilemma, my constant friend… I think I need to make up my mind soon.

Studying has been awefully boring this semester. I was so bored in with some of the reading that I played with musical notes in my head.

Check this out: BORED TO DEATH  - rearranged -; HATED RED BOOT

See how bored I am? Yeah, you get the picture.

Hot Date...4/1/10

My friends and I are having dinner Thursday evening. Not only because they think I 'need' to get a life, but because they also feel I’m wasting my G-d given energy on someone who does not deserve a moment of my time. So my friend Paula, (Paula’s husband Steven) and Joanna (Joanna husband Constantine) collectively got together and planned a dinner party where I am the guest of honour. Since it’s a holiday they seem to feel it’s a great time to throw such a party where all invited guests would have no excuses but just show up. They have told me also that there will be several single suitors to choose from who are daring and want to meet me. Yikes!So now my stomach is doing that churning thing again. Not to mention the flutter of butterflies in my belly causing bouts of nausea. It’s a day away and I’m not sure what to wear. I could sabotage the entire evening and wear sweats, but that would be cheesy, plus my gal pals would not be amused. Apparently it’s going to formal and I was ordered to wear my Saturday best. In other words wear a dress and a smile. The part that I am excited about is not only do both those ladies have fabulous homes but Constantine is an amazing Chef. Food glorious food…sex of the aged…

Now I know many people would agree that dating, especially the first date is about as much fun as having a picnic in a minefield in Afghanistan. For some reason that no-one knows, to prove that we are one step above lowly animals, humans are required to date before choosing their life mate. For many, a date is synonymous with fornicate. Fornicating is a rather fun thing, something I welcome in the right situation. However, the words just rhyme, and don't necessary go hand in hand. Dating is a very painful process for someone like me. While I could decide to remain forever single and just hang out with a group of friends, I do want to eventually be in a permanent relationship. I liken dating to bungee jumping. You get that adrenalin rush when you meet someone new. It's the anxiety...uh...oh, um, maybe I didn't really like dating as much as I thought I did."

Contrary to popular belief, dating is not easier when you are younger, and dating doesn't get any easier as you get older. Let's cut to the chase and get down to the nitty gritty...What exactly is it about dating that I hate so much? Why does the very word fill me many with fear and trepidation? I got it... Maybe it’s because it reminds me of a job interview. That's probably quite close to the mark. I have to be on my best behaviour to try and impress the person across the table from me that I’m the right person for the job as life partner. And it's the same, if they don't like you, you don't get the job. If you don't like them or they make you feel uncomfortable, you don't take the job.

Dating is as uncomfortable as sitting next to a hugely obese man whose ample body overflows from his seat onto yours on a flight from Dubai to Shanghai, where if he isn't snoring loudly he's farting silently, and every time he lifts an arm you almost pass out from the reek of his armpit. Also its uncomfortable because you're having to move out of your comfort zone and enter unchartered territory and is an extremely daunting. I hate not knowing. Unless I become a psychic or a clairvoyant, I just will not get this knot out of my gut. And if I did know, then where is the anticipation or the surprise? Sometimes you have to just go with your gut instinct and take a chance. More often than not, I can't be bothered to share myself with anybody again. Yeah, yeah, same old, same old. It does get tiring telling the same stories and relating the same incidents over and over again. It is de-motivating to open yourself up again to someone, and risk them abusing your trust and all that openness was for nought.

Oh yeah I hate waiting for the phone to ring for a follow-up date, even if I don't want to see that person again. I am aware that men hate spending money on a girl and then she doesn't put out. Then not only does he feel he wasted his time, but his money as well. Oh well, I guess they'll just have to get someone who equates a date with sex. They think if they spend all their pocket money on a date then they'll be able to get your leg over your neck. I hate the falseness of it, and people being all fake to try and impress you. This is probably because people are uncertain of what they want, and what you're looking for. They take a gamble on what they think you might like, and try and change to be that person. It would be much better if they were just themselves.

Friends have told me of the mistakes I will never make. For example: "A good date with just a good bonk. They both felt that animal attraction and end up having the most mind-blowing passionate sex on the first date. Then, the guy never calls you back." Obviously, they were just looking to get laid and nothing more.

I console myself with the fact that thus far FATE has intervened and spared me from a probable psychopathic pathologically schizophrenic stalker rapist. Surely I can come up with a multitude of reasons but it is because it's a pain trying to feign interest in learning about someone else who doesn't really interest me. And of course you don't want to appear rude, but who gives a shit why their partner cheated on them and ditched them. So as I was composing this message I was taking stock of some of the irritants of dating, and why I just can't stand doing it....

• I really hate it when I can't get their name right on the first date. Okay, this is a bad mistake to make and maybe I need to make up a silly song with their name in it to get it committed to my memory. Calling a date by the wrong name is a faux pas of the tenth degree. I've done it and I highly do not recommend it especially if you like the date.

• I hate awkward silences when we both try and think of what you can say. If we’re having awkward silences, then we obviously don't have much in common.

• I hate being asked what are you thinking about. Find an online psychic course and you'll be able to tell what I’m thinking. You'll never be able to figure out what I’m really thinking, so why waste your energy trying to read my mind.

• I am never sure if I am reading the signals correctly, like does he want sex on the first date because he is paying for dinner. If he is I need to call my mother and sharpen my Houdini skills and make myself disappear, FAST!

• I never know when I should call him to thank him for a NOT so interesting evening but dinner was great. I just think it's a polite thing to do, especially if the getaway was quick. But if he calls within five minutes of leaving me is tantamount to stalking. And please do not inundate my inbox with text messages because for me that is definite passion killer.

• I hate blind dates, especially when people misrepresent themselves. Buffed body and intelligent can turn out to be geeky and weedy with an IQ the size of a retarded ant. Sometimes, friends misrepresent friends when they set you up on a blind date. There's also a hint of desperation in the whole blind date scenario. If they're so perfect, then why are they resorting to blind dates to get a date? Not that I'm not worthy but think on this for a second...  times up.

• I hate breaking the ice the first time by saying the wrong things and then feeling stupid afterwards. Like saying the most random things and many Freudian slips are made at times like these. I've called a date by my former husbands name...OPPS! Or like him catching me staring at his crotch or him at my mammary glands. Actually if I like the guy I find it sexy when he ogles my body.

• I hate it when other people show an interest in my date and start to flirt with them while I'm  standing right next to them, and your date likes it. If they're basking in the attention like a chimpanzee at a chimpanzee's tea party in the zoo, enjoy it for a New York minute because I will dump you right there and move on. Not classy. Don't do it. At least not with me.

• I hate saying goodbye at the end of the date, not knowing if he’s going to kiss on the cheek or lips or what. I typically go for the European double cheek kiss, and if they want 'lips on the mouth' type of kiss, then they can make the first move and latch onto my lips like there's a magnetic pull of some kind. But I better be feeling you otherwise this could spell rejection.

• I hate it when my date is trying to be funny to impress me and I find it hard to smile or laugh as what they said wasn't at all funny. If you can't make me genuinely laugh, I just dump him. Smiling falsely will give me serious wrinkles and will require me to have expensive plastic surgery in the future.

• I hate it when after dating for a while; my date loses their manners and farts and burps after drinking anything, especially beer. But I’m supposed to be pleased that they feel comfortable enough around me to show me the real deal. It’s offensive. Stop it.

• Dating is exhausting as smiling inanely hurts my face. As mentioned above, it is not good for your complexion and appearance and there will be long-term effects. Maybe a pharmaceutical company needs to develop a 'Dating Tonic' which serial daters can use to boost their body's energy levels.

In my view of the whole thing - dating sucks and I hate the thought of it. I’ve been wondering for some time now, is there another way to meet up with a life partner, other than going through the trials and tribulations of dating? Here's a thought. Let's look at animals, as humans are really just a slightly more advanced form of animal. Take dogs for instance. They don't date at all. When the bitch is ovulating, she gives off a scent that attracts every randy dog in the neighbourhood. She lifts her tail, the dogs sniff her posterior end, get an erection, mount her and bonk away until climax, then leave, never to see her again. Imagine, if we were like dogs. If some perfume factory managed to create a special scent called 'Ovulation Scent.' When a woman knew she was ovulating, she'd spray herself with Ovulation Scent and walk down the street. Soon, males from all over will be following her and only the strongest will get near her. He'd have to sniff her nether regions, whip out his erection and fornicate madly, before zipping up and going back to work. This could do wonders for the motel industry, in case people don't fancy just doing it on the street. Physiotherapists and masseuses will also make a fortune as many men will put their backs out when bending at the waist to sniff a woman. All this increased business - perfume companies, hotels and physiotherapists might also create more job opportunities and ease the global credit crisis. People will be more relaxed - women because they'll only be having sex when they're in the mood, and men - because they'll be getting plenty of action as they'll continually encounter women wearing 'Ovulation Scent.' This could be something to look for in the future.

 I''ll follow up laterif things go according to the above.  However, in an event things turn out GREAT, I will not be back because I never kiss and tell.